Thinking back as far as I can remember over the almost 4 decades of my life, faith has always been a part of me, or a part of my life at least. Sometimes a very faint part of my life, but I can confidently say that it was always there. That small little mustard seed along with my coffee that keeps me going… (hence the name of this page 😊) But, also thinking back I can remember getting so frustrated and upset when I would pray, or beg (if we’re being honest) for the suffering to stop; for changes to miraculously happen. But, “life” would just keep going… conflict after conflict to the point where I became “a runner”. Running away from everything I knew in life, just trying to get away from all of the “bad things”. Running from all of the suffering… from all my problems… from all MY bad decisions.
But guess what? The suffering never truly went away. It was compartmentalized and new situations kept occuring one right after another. And because I looked to the world to fix my problems, unhealthy coping mechanisms were born. Superficial happiness and a false sense of peace and comfort were created oozing with an undeniable need for external validation from materialism, and inappropriate attachment to others. My perception of life revolved around me, my family and our success; or the presentation of it anyhow. I believed that I deserved it, and that my family deserved even more. I believed that lavish gifts and excessive attention and affection to and from those closest to me created joy and happiness. Yet, in reality these things only created the complete opposite. They created impossible expectations, more problems and more suffering. I can honestly say that I have never truly found this true “peace” that Paul speaks of in Philippians 4:7 until this past year.
And please know, I am NOT saying that God has miraculously came into my life and rid it of all the bad things, creating this absolutely impossible optimal fantasy dream land filled with peace and true bliss.
But what I am saying is that now I do find peace in my chaos, even in my suffering. Yes, there is still pain. Yes, there are still tears. Yes, there are still bouts of emotional spirals that send me to knees. But, now I have been able to change my perspective on life and redirect those thoughts, tears and pain. I found that true peace comes from my unwavering confidence of who God truly is. It comes from knowing what His plan is for me, and how He is always there to provide for my needs. This divine peace comes from my confidence in Jesus Christ which protects my heart and mind from straying down those worldly rabbit holes of self sabotage and destruction.
See, if I have learned anything over these past few years, it is that God perfects us through our struggles IF we allow Him to do so. We don’t physically strengthen through each of the storms we are expected to endure throughout our journeys here on this earth, unless of course we choose to utilize a good gym membership, but we do strengthen spiritually when we choose Him, and that is honestly all that really matters. Life is going to continue to be filled with spiritual warfare each and every minute of every day. Battles against ourselves and battles against others. But, God has given us an open invitation through His son Jesus Christ. We just have to decide if we are going to fight through our storms with the armor of this world, or with scripture and the Armor of God… We choose if we are going to rely on our own limited powers, or if we will rely on God, the all-powerful… If we choose although our heart is torn, to praise Him in our storms. (One of my most favorite and frequently listened to songs.)
On an endnote, thank you to each and every single person who guided me along my journey and continue to point me in His direction. God used you to save me, and I am so very thankful for it. 💗
The part that’s the hardest is when you stop running and you stay still.