I have always been a “doodler” as far back as I can remember. Every notebook I owned was covered in hearts, squiggles, lines, stars, and circles. As I grew older, I transitioned these doodles into words and the one thing I tried to revert to when I was going through challenges, or trials, was journaling. I would write down my thoughts, whatever they may have been, as a form to express my feelings. See, I am quite the “closet case”, meaning that every emotion, or concern, or feeling I experienced throughout my life was usually bottled up and locked tight behind one of the furthest doors I could find in my mind. Only hoping that they would get lost and never be remembered again. I refused to communicate my feelings and lived by just trying to do what I thought the world wanted me to do. All while trying to forget the past and disregard reality. Trying to live in this false fantasy we all desire with the perfect job, marriage, and family. Well, I ended up moving not only once, but twice within the past 3 years. And we all know how “fun” that can be. 😖 This one particular day I was doing a little packing on Thanksgiving 2021 morning and came across one of my journals dated back as early as 2007. All of the most vulnerable thoughts of one broken and confused 23 year old woman…
See, prior to 2007 I had been bouncing around out of high school for about 4-5 years trying to “find myself” and yes, still running away from my past (there’s a trend of this, yes, I am well aware). I had already thrown away a full ride college education on academic scholarship that I blamed on a faulty relationship filled with alcohol, drugs, promiscuity, and physical abuse. Yet here I was yet again out looking for love unfortunately in all the wrong places… Showing my country music history here, I know. 😁 But, the truth is, I was.. I started this particular journal while I was in another transition state of my life moving and following promises and butterflies. The following year (2008), I was married and expecting my first child. The next 11 years remained chaotic and sporadic, yet stable (or so I thought). I was a new mother and wife. I decided to go into nursing school. My husband was amazingly charming, handsome, and ensured our family was very well off financially. We had relocated across the southeast chasing career dreams and aspirations from Texas, to Tennessee, and finally back home to Arkansas. We were intelligent and successful. We ultimately had it all, on the outside of course. On the inside, we see that life on December 27, 2018 was a different story:
What have we done? Literally throwing our lives away because of stubbornness, stupidity, pride, and mostly because of the lack of communication. Why and when did I become so insecure? Feel so inadequate? So undeserving? So unloved? And because of this I have turned around and put the same feelings on my husband. How have we let ourselves get to this point? And Why? Will either of us change? Does he care? Why can I not speak up? Why do I live in fear? I claim to be fearless and faithful, yet I constantly belittle myself daily. Telling myself how unworthy I am of everything.
Personal Journal, 2018
As you can clearly see, I did not “have it all”… My life was falling apart and filled with lies upon lies, upon more lies. Lies from ones that I loved, and lies from myself.
When I read this journal entry I could not help but to think that it was meant to be shared. Especially due to the fact that it was found on Thanksgiving Day just 3 years apart from me writing it… a day I was packing up everything in my small apartment that I had fled to just a few years prior. Packing up to now move into my very first new home as a single divorced mother. A situation that I could have never expected, and only God could create. A new chapter. A new beginning. I read this journal entry and I cannot express enough how grateful and thankful I am to now know that I AM WORTHY. When as you can clearly see, that I was in shambles. I am grateful and thankful because I no longer have to live in fear or walk on eggshells. So very thankful that I don’t have to seek acceptance or love from the world, or from a broken society any more. That I do have a voice and that I am entitled to using that voice as well as set healthy boundaries for myself and my family. I am so forever grateful that God read and listened to every single word and tear I shed for the many years prior to this last journal entry claiming my unworthiness and inability to make others happy.
See, knowing how GOD sees you makes all the difference. His word tells us that we are fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalm 139:14), and that we have purpose (Psalm 138:8). That we are made in His image (Genesis 1:26). That our hearts are renewed, day by day (2 Corinthians 4:16). And this journal entry is why on this particular Thanksgiving I was reminded of God’s continued grace and mercy in my life. How He redirected me and changed my heart to know my place in His kingdom and not in this faulty world. I was reminded that God is always there. He always has been. I was reminded of how much He must love me to allow me to be where I was when I was so undeserving. I was reminded truly of how blessed I am, and how amazing He is.
As women, I see more and more of us who struggle daily with this very same thing. We lose ourselves to satisfy the world or our own fleshly selfish desires. We become more and more overwhelmed and depressed. We avoid vulnerability and put the world and it’s problems on our own shoulders to fix. And then we blame others for our pain and suffering when we are the ones who chose to try to do it all. Please know that you are not alone. Know that you are LOVED and you are WORTHY. Know that God has a plan. Know that you have purpose. Know that you do not have to, and cannot “do it all”. Know that it is okay to fail. Know that you have a voice and God hears every single word. And know that He will be there every step of the way. Keep seeking Him. Keep trusting Him. And keep praising Him. For He is an amazing Father, and for that I am so forever thankful. 
